Before I became an *I* I was part of a *We*. I didn’t identify myself as an independent being, ther was no sence in *me* separately. It was a happy and fairly balanced time, the only time I didn’t feel alone, I alone didn’t even exist by then, the idea made no sense at all.
Then the curiosity started to poke me. The curiosity about myself, if I could exist as an independent person, if I could make sense on my own, if I could take control over my life. And it became stronger and stronger, it smelled like challenge, it sounded like adventure. I was unaware of what I had, unaware of the value of the unity I was living in, unaware of the balance and security I was living in, unaware of the loving embrace I fell asleep or woke in the morning. It was THE state, without any contrast and it meant as good as nothing. When you are born in paradise and don’t know any other place, you can not value it until you loose it. And alas it´s too late by then.
So I ripped myself out there – its not an easy thing to do, and it leaves wounds that hardly ever heal. When you step out of unity you leave your half heart, half body, half soul behind. And sooner or later you will have to face this loss and the responsibility for it.
Loosing paradise itself is a hard thing, but its not necessarily a straight road to hell either. It´s separation, it´s burning up a world and discovering an other one.
Yet I managed to find my own little hell inside my mind. In the longing back to the unity, something impossible to do. In the self punishing, looking for pain to ease the guilt, locking my vague self that wouldn’t be able to succeed by itself because it will always be the lost part of something that stopped to exist long time ago. I found an excuse to exist and that excuse is pain. It’s the only way I can excuse myself living on, in a world im not meant to be separate, in that I had a chance to live a unity but couldn’t value it enough to keep it and literally threw it away.
No punishment is necessary for those who cannot forgive themselves. They will live their lives in a their own particular hell until the end of their days. In guilt, in pain and in darkness. It is very much like the original sin. You can´t do much about it but suffer.
I wake with it, sleep with it, live with it, the only way I know to live with it, suffering.
It comforts me. It gives me a licence to be. But it doesn’t really allows me to live.
I understand that it´s a process, that I had to loose it in order to value it.
I understand that i got cought in a loop that prevents me from advancing.
I understand that now I need to find a way out of this personal hell of mine.
I know there is light in me to contrast this darkness.
Somewhere.
512 Responses to “Lament over the lost Unity”
Alter the Pool!
You must login to post a comment.