Fear and Love.
There´s always this choice. Again and again. Most of the time we make a choice and stick to it. And live in a constant of one of those. I greatly appreciate everything and everyone that reminds me, that I can make this choice again and again, whenever I want to. That I don’t have to ban myself to live in fear and that I can make my world a better, more human place by adding some warmth and love to it. It is in the smallest, seemingly most unimportant things. And finding it again and again makes me very happy.
It is easy to sink into the day to day life, working for money, raising kids, doing the groceries, worrying about unimportant things, getting stressed and depressed over a feeling purposelessness.
But it´s a good idea to keep something in the back of the mind, and that thing is perspective. The bigger picture.
Living for the moment, but within a context. It´s interesting to observe the way my reality is shaping according to my actions and changes of perception.
Am I afraid of tomorrow? Am I worried to keep my job? To keep stuff I have accumulated during these years? What if I lose everything? What if turns out I’m the most happy right now and all will go down tomorrow? How does that make me see the world around me? How does that make me see myself?
And what if I make a different choice now? What if I embrace the unknown, embrace the surprises and let them happen? It enables me to embrace present and past freely but doesn’t make me hang on, and get trapped by them.
Will they hurt me when Im like that?
Yes, they will. All my life I have been experiencing that.
I have been thinking a lot about this, why a loving person is also a weak one, and I found that I was wrong in the definition of loving. I would justify the actions of everyone and forgive them and let them go on using me. I am not sure right now if that love of mine was really so selfless and good. It may have been more a quest for approval and appreciation. Of course letting them use me that way never lead to either of the two, it only lead me into a depression and the question “What am I doing wrong?”
I would not set any standards, because I thought it would make me judgmental.
But wonderfully enough little by little I learn, get inspired, get thinking, get feeling and change.
I am learning a lot about light lately, and am on the quest to find what they call “My own light”. I found that both too much and too little make one walk blind so I am searching for all the scale between those two to find a balanced, nice and good quality of light.
I do that on a physical level as I am studying photography and I found great analogies in it that explain many things that have happened to me in my spiritual life and also explains the frustration I felt and feel when I seem to be unable to adjust well.
Noticing how the light we cast on something changes our perception of it, changes the colors, the shadows, makes them seem soft or harsh – while it’s the very same thing all the time.
It is indeed a very exciting discovery. Also, it makes me aware of the importance of making a decision and have a criteria to develop my own point of view. Decide what I chose to take into the picture and what not. What is important to me personally and what not. I realize that while I flood things with light they lose many of their subtle and important characteristics. And the fact I don’t know how to control the light is not an excuse. Its as simple as that: if you don’t know something – learn it. So now I am learning to control the light, by observing, having a criteria and making decisions.
I dream myself in control of that light, fearless that it will fade or disappear or on the contrary will become extremely strong. Being in control of it, knowing exactly how to make it work and how to make it part of my world, the way I decide to see it. I dream of myself loving with control, direction and perspective.