Welcome to the Lightpool

Before I became an *I* I was part of a *We*. I didn’t identify myself as an independent being, ther was no sence in *me* separately. It was a happy and fairly balanced time, the only time I didn’t feel alone, I alone didn’t even exist by then, the idea made no sense at all.

Then the curiosity started to poke me. The curiosity about myself, if I could exist as an independent person, if I could make sense on my own, if I could take control over my life. And it became stronger and stronger, it smelled like challenge, it sounded like adventure. I was unaware of what I had, unaware of the value of the unity I was living in, unaware of the balance and security I was living in, unaware of the loving embrace I fell asleep or woke in the morning. It was THE state, without any contrast and it meant as good as nothing. When you are born in paradise and don’t know any other place, you can not value it until you loose it. And alas it´s too late by then.

So I ripped myself out there – its not an easy thing to do, and it leaves wounds that hardly ever heal. When you step out of unity you leave your half heart, half body, half soul behind. And sooner or later you will have to face this loss and the responsibility for it.

Loosing paradise itself is a hard thing, but its not necessarily a straight road to hell either. It´s  separation, it´s burning up a world and discovering an other one.

Yet I managed to find my own little hell inside my mind. In the longing back to the unity, something impossible to do. In the self punishing, looking for pain to ease the guilt, locking my vague self that wouldn’t be able to succeed by itself because it will always be the lost part of something that stopped to exist long time ago. I found an excuse to exist and that excuse is pain. It’s the only way I can excuse myself living on, in a world im not meant to be separate, in that I had a chance to live a unity but couldn’t value it enough to keep it and literally threw it away.

No punishment is necessary for those who cannot forgive themselves. They will live their lives in a their own particular hell until the end of their days. In guilt, in pain and in darkness. It is very much like the original sin. You can´t do much about it but suffer.

I wake with it, sleep with it, live with it, the only way I know to live with it, suffering.

It comforts me. It gives me a licence to be. But it doesn’t really allows me to live.

I understand that it´s a process, that I had to loose it in order to value it.

I understand that i got cought in a loop that prevents me from advancing.

I understand that now I need to find a way out of this personal hell of mine.

I know there is light in me  to contrast this darkness.

Somewhere.

Chaos and order are always present in our lives, and most of us relate chaos with unsecurity as opposed to order which represents a reliable world we feel safe in.

So to reach this safety, we order our world into structures.

These structures however, need to be flexible, flowing like water, because change in our world is inevitable. We cannot ban chaos just like that and ignore its existence in our life.

Now, since many people see change as a threat to their security, they try to avoid it, by freezing their own structures at some given moment.

It means that they develop until some point and when they feel safe enough, they stop and dig themselves into the ground. They freeze their flow and they sacrifice their own development on the altar of the illusion of security.

Truth is, that they cannot stop the world from turning. Things will keep flowing around them weather they want it or not, chaos will be present and will go on mixing things up, and all the changes will also happen to them.

The only effect of this self freezing, is that they wont be able to react or adapt to those changes due to the lack of flexibility. They will insist seeing the old structures in the new things, and they will remain blind for the actual truth.

Looking at it like that, makes clear, that not only they are not really safer than anyone else, but also, that they will have always a more difficult time to deal with things than others. Their security is a self-fraud. A lie. And beside the new challanges they will keep getting in their lives, they will always have a side battle defending this self fraud. It is a battle they can never win. They lose even when they win.

It can be frustrating to deal with these people until we realize their situation.

By trying to convince themselves and win their little side battles, they usually also try to convince others about their fake reality, simply because it will strengthen their world, as if truth would be more truth when there are more people repeating it. They enforce their structures by saying their truths out loud and by judging others within their system of truth. At times they can become quite convincing doing this.

It is relatively easy to spot them though: They never ask questions. They never allow themselves to have unfilled gaps. They never doubt openly their own thoughts. It would crack up the rigid, but tense (thus fragile) structures and it would make their world collapse very quickly. So they never ask: they look at  things, conclude quickly within the frames of their past experiences and speak their judgement. Right away

I personaly find it pointless to discuss with these people, because while I am talking about a topic, they are defending their worldview and security. It is not a common ground to discuss anything or to talk about anything. Tha fact that their truth has to be the “winner” takes away any chance of a really nurturing conversation.

The only way I can possibly imagine in order to reach them, is the way one deals with an ice cube wanting to obtain water: giving warmth.

Instead of trying to convince, or resist, simply just showing them that there are other ways to deal with things. That not everything is as they imagine. That change isnt that bad after all. Love is easy on these structures and wont ever try to break them, so its never realized as danger. This makes Love very powerful, it can penetrate into the darkest places without fighting, without resistence. Of course it is always up to the person itself who decides to let their structure melt into flexibility or not.

It will always be a respectable decision since everyone has the right to choose how they want to live their life, and suffering is just so much is a rightful choice as is happiness. But what we can do is show an option. Show a different way. Never by trying to break those structures, since violence will just generatet more violence.

The best we CAN do is to bring some light into the darkest places. To bring warmth to the frozen.
And once we are there we can take a look around and learn about it.